Chronic pain can be the most isolating and lonely place to be, it's a constant battle between your head and your body, let me give you an insight into how this feels, I was diagnosed with endometriosis in my early twenties, although I think I've had it way longer then that, it's a condition of the womb, where the lining grows in other parts of the pelvis, they bleed when you have a period, so there's internal bleeding which causes blood spots on the womb, this ultimately causes immense pain in some women, it did in my case, I couldn't even walk when it was my time of the month, at 25 I found out I was infertile, which at that age and as a woman was hard to take, I'm ok with it now but it took a lot of time to process, my marriage to my ex husband broke down and we divorced, after a very messy divorce, I was diagnosed with pernicious anaemia, fibromyalgia, ME, and several anxiety disorders including post traumatic stress, luckily I had the support of my then fiance who is now my husband, all of those illnesses hit me hard, really hard and I deteriorated to the point where I collapsed at the top of our stairs to our flat, my legs just gave way beneath me and I couldn't walk, I ended up in a wheelchair for two years and my husband was my carer, it was a bad time, the pain was unbearable, my whole body felt like I'd been hit by a truck, everything was an effort, even breathing, I couldn't see past the pain and I couldn't control it, what do I do? How do I deal with this? Those questions whirled around in my head almost every hour, I'll answer them after I tell you a bit more, you see I know chronic pain more then you know, right now, I can't work a normal job, my legs are still weak from being in the wheelchair but I can walk short distances, the pain is still bad and my energy is always empty, I struggle so much with that, it's lonely, I'm a model so I look fine on the outside but oh my god if you could only see what's going on on the inside, it kills me that I can't show people how much I'm really suffering but it would kill me if they knew just how much, people don't believe you as it's invisable and you look fine, I hate that, but I hate looking Ill which believe me sometimes I do, I can't go out, I can't do what normal people my age do, so I'm isolated in my own illnesses, I'm not going to dress this up, yea some days it's really hard, but I'd rather it be me then my family, I don't talk about my pain, what's the point? It's all day everyday, I actually can't remember what it's like to not be in pain, I joke about it now and try to make light of it, if I didn't laugh I'd cry and sometimes I do, now to answer those questions, what do I do? I distract myself as much as I can, I watch my favourite things, listen to my favourite music and I laugh A LOT, I work from home which is super helpful for me as I can choose when I work, I focus on what I can do and not what I can't, always make a positive out of a negative. Next question, how do I deal with this? Well that's subjective to each individual, I deal with it by trying to stay positive and not let it get to me too much, but like I say it's hard, you just have to make the most of the good days and push through the bad ones, and just do whatever you can to make you feel good.
I know I said I never talk about my pain but I am now, and you should too, it doesn't make you weak it makes you strong to be able to deal with this every day, you are brave and talk as much as you need to, it's important to share how it feels and raise the awareness. I hope this has helped, me talking about it, stay well guys, and you can always talk to me on Twitter, I got you.
Alexandra Denman, psychotherapy practitioner.
